


wishing you were somehow here again.

by lakshmi



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: F/M, i will build this ship tag with my own bare hands, just sad things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2019-01-10 10:01:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12296823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lakshmi/pseuds/lakshmi
Summary: sometimes, it's all you can do to hold yourself together. much less in front of the man you've fallen for.





	wishing you were somehow here again.

      it isn’t that she doesn’t  _ like  _ hien -- no, that couldn’t be further from the truth. it’s being  _ touched  _ by him that she can’t handle; she feels transparent under every brush of his skin against hers and she struggles to even breathe under what feels to be an intense gaze  **_(_ ** though she knows it to be no such thing.  **_)_ ** . perhaps someone’s tipped him off but he’s warier around her now, and some part of her demands she apologise -- despite the lack of any reason to do so -- because she doesn’t  _ intend  _ to push him away he’s just moving too quickly and she can’t keep up. in truth it isn’t as fast as she sees it to be but  _ it’s the very feeling she gets in her bones when he looks at her like that  _ and she doesn’t understand  _ why _ . perhaps they are too similar and she fears -- fears  _ what _ ? fears that she, too, may have to lead her country one day? fears that she may have to give up what little she has for the end of garlean oppression? 

              she can’t stop her thoughts from turning to  _ her _ . 

           and, of course, as always, the regret seeps in and she’s fighting back tears with every ilm of strength she still retains. she doesn’t  _ want  _ pity, she doesn’t  _ want  _ attention, she wants action she knows full well will not nor ever come. absentmindedly does she rub at her eyes, startling when she notices the presence of another beside her. 

              ‘ as i’ve doubtless told you before… i am not all that proficient with my words. ‘ he doesn’t touch her, merely stands at her side, arms crossed and gaze focused upon her bent neck. ‘ but i am willing to listen, should you find yourself wanting. ‘ 

   kanan looks up, not quite at him -- but far enough that he can clearly see the redness in her eyes and the flush on her skin. ‘ i … ‘ she pauses, shifting on her feet. ‘ i had a wife once. she … she passed shortly after my twentieth summer, and our seventh. ‘ she seems to struggle with herself for a few moments before speaking once more. ‘ i buried her in thal’s respite, where… where i hoped she’d find peace at last. ‘ 

‘ i’m sorry, ‘ he offers, lost. ‘ why are you telling me this? ‘ 

    he’s surprised she’s able to reply. ‘ because there’s been no one since. not a soul who’s known me as well as she did. ‘ 

   hien does not move his gaze from hers. ‘ are you not lonely, kanan? surely you know any one of us would help. you need only ask… ! ‘ 

‘ that is… what i am trying to accomplish, i think. ‘ 

    the pair falls silent. kanan fears his reaction -- but also knows she cannot handle this burden on her lonesome. he cannot bear to see her in such a state either; and by hydaelyn, she trusts him more than she probably should. he is a beacon of light and revolution that she naturally gravitates towards despite her better judgement; and perhaps, just  _ maybe _ , she gives in a little easier than she oft would.   
  
           it’s almost easy, the way in which she allows him past the barriers she’d spent decades building; it takes little effort on her part, by some miracle. no longer does she strain to let herself simply  _ be  _ and allow him to see her for the woman underneath the plethora of titles -- tiny, but well built; broken, but held together by fragments of what remains of her friends; exhausted, yet unable to rest until her country is free no matter the cost, even if it meant her own life. 

          she’d give that gladly, without a second thought. she would happily jump into the fire to quench it, if it meant extinguishing the garlean flame from her homeland for good.  _ hydaelyn can make do without me _ .  _ i will not be another griffin _ . 

     hien can no longer handle the silence, and moves to wrap an arm about her shoulders in what he hopes is a warm gesture, and she does not shy away. ‘ then i shall be at your side whenever you so wish it. i am most honored to be a confidant of yours, dear warrior. ‘

    in return, she can only offer a poorly disguised attempt at putting on a brave face in the form of wiping her tears and offering him a smile. he's not convinced, she knows, but the mere  _attempt_ is more than she truly could have managed without his intervention. 

    so he nods, and leads her back to the mol encampment. he would not soon leave her side. 


End file.
